Al Khul : The Woman's Choice -2

Al Khul': A Mercy from Allah...Yes you can!

…Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allâh, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al Khul ( divorce). Qur'an - 2:229

Part -2

Note: This is the second in a three part series on Kuhl

Some issues, which I have witnessed and faced, is that when a Muslim woman seeks a divorce, the society or the one who is handling the case of divorce tries to probe into the details of the past. When handling a case of divorce, we as Muslims should realize that probing into the details only complicates the problem… and we are in fact tempting the person who is seeking the divorce to sin. When the spouse decides to divorce, investigating the problem might lead the spouse to sling mud or slander about the other in order to get the divorce. Certainly, one is violating the path of Sunnah when they try to probe into the details of the husband’s or wife’s past and the reasons for the divorce, as the Prophet avoided delving into details of the problems and the causes for divorce. The reason that the woman does not like her husband and fears that she will not be able to treat him the way Allah ordained was enough for the Prophet, he did not dig into the reasons.


Efforts at reconciliation should be sought first before one divorces but never does the Sunnah nor the Qur’an say, the ill-mated couples should be persuaded or forced to reconcile.


Even on the last day of my Iddah (waiting period after divorce), my relatives stayed home till 3 am in the morning trying to persuade me to patch up with my ex-husband. Even after 2 yrs people are still trying to persuade me to remarry my ex-husband. When I refused I was called “unIslamic.”


If the prophet (saw) thought that wife of Thabit bin Qais (referring to the hadith mentioned in the first part) was being unIslamic or unreasonable in seeking a divorce, wouldn’t he have objected?


Some make it sound as if, the wife should seek a divorce only if the man feels the same dislike as she does. But the Prophet did not ask Thabit bin Qais, if he disliked his wife too when she said that she disliked him. The order of the Prophet to Thabit bin Qais to take back his garden and divorce his wife was an obligation. There is no evidence to contradict this hadith, which makes it clear that the woman's discontent is sufficient cause for a divorce.


Therefore, from the Hadith , we can say that the husband will be obliged to accept this offer, if the reason his wife gives is that she will not be able to treat him the way Allah ordained. It is an act of transgression if a woman is forced to live with a man whom she dislikes, because marriage is a contract that is built on mutual agreement and cannot be built on force.


This certainly proves that the wife has the right to seek divorce from her husband if she fears that she will not be able to preserve his rights on her.


In another sister’s case, one of her family friends asked her to compare her case with another sister’s case, where that sister went through hell for the first 18 years of her marriage. She lost her hearing due to severe physical abuse. After 18 years she was on the verge of taking a divorce. The couple was called in for marriage counseling and they are said to have reconciled and now they are happy, Alhamdulilah!.


I heard one of her relatives telling her:“If Allah wills your heart will change and you will lead a happy and contended life with your ex-husband. So you should put your trust on Allah and try going back to your ex-husband as he would have changed…. Your problem is nothing compared to this woman’s case. See, now after 18 years they are happy…!”


Is it reasonable to compare each other’s marital problems? Did the Prophet (saw) ever do this comparism??? The answer is obviously No!


Allah (swt) in the Qur’an states that He would not burden one’s soul more than its capacity. A problem, which seems like a mountain to one may not be a problem to another because Allah has blessed the former with strength to withstand the burden and the latter is created with lesser strength. So we can’t discard one’s problem or belittle one’s problem whatever it may be.


Worse, it sounded like they held pride in not trying to help a Muslim woman (their family member!) who suffered for 18 years!!! They kept repeating, “ Do you know, she suffered for 18 years but still held on to her marriage and after 18 years she is happy!” Who is to say that she would not have been happier if she had divorced him or gone for counseling when he first began beating her? Who is to say that some other woman would not have been able to tolerate such abuse, or to forgive the man who injured her so severely? Why should we suffer when Allah has given a solution for the problem? Why should we take pride in suffering?


Some people are refusing to understand that when a woman is not able to endure with a man, she cannot perform her duties (she will not be able to treat him the way Allah ordained) properly and thus would become sinful. Would they prefer her to be sinful?


Certainly, God given rights are taken away from Muslim Women by the culture and the society!


Another issue which I I have observed and experienced is that people usually ask a couple to hold on to their empty marriage for their child’s sake. I don’t understand how can a woman raise a healthy child when she in the midst of an unhealthy and disturbed atmosphere due to her marriage. I have witnessed that the illness in the marriage gets spilt on the children growing up in such unhealthy environment and thus child tends to get affected emotionally and mentally. Certainly an unhealthy marriage would never be a healthy upbringing for the children.


A friend of mine told me that she came out of her lifeless marriage after 10 years. Her son, who was 9 years old at the time, told her,

”Mom, I am very happy to see a smile on your face after a long-time.”

He even told her,

“I love both of you, but it breaks me to see you suffering. If being away from dad is going to give you happiness, then you should not be with him.”


All praises are to Allah! I am firm in using my God-given right and prefer to be a servant of Allah (swt) and would not fear or hesitate to use his Mercy, which He has bestowed, on us .


Now days, we see Muslims preaching that Islam is the only religion, which gives respect, honour and rights to women. But in reality, it is seen only in theory.

Contd.
© Amatullah Abdullah 2005.

Al Khul - Part Two